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lemme tell ya What’s gonna happen

Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Another by-election (that’s by-erection for some people I read about, LOL!!).

Hulu Selangor. Frankly I don’t even know where it is. And I am sure many people, like me, do not know where it is.

But soon, Hulu Selangor will be famous. The place will be featured every day and night on TV3 news, RTM 1 and 2 news, Bernama TV news, NST, Berita Harian, Utusan Malaysia, the Star and whatever mass media there are in this country.

And there will be loads and loads of people who will be going there. I mean not ordinary people like you and me. Big people. Like tawdally beeeg people, man. IPs. VIPs. VVIPs. VVVIPs. And their wife too. Or wives, as the case may be.

The people of Hulu Selangor are one lucky bunch I say. Why not? Christmas, to them, comes early this year. I am not saying that the people of Hulu Selangor are Christians la. Or that they are Muslims who celebrate Christmas. After all this is in Selangor. The place where Muslims are easily confused, according to some Ministers.

No. I am not saying that. It was just a manner of speaking. What I mean is they will get a lot of gifts soon. Yeeay! Horray.

I think soon, all the roads in and to Hulu Selangor will be re-paved. Redone. All the pot holes will suddenly disappear. Out of a sudden, lorries carrying black tar and the tar laying machines would appear. People will come out of them lorries and do up those roads. Where there was no budget for doing so for the past 33 years, suddenly the budget will appear. Yahooooo.

Then billboards will spring up. Satu lagi projek kerajaan BN untuk anda. Hell yeah.

Oh. Bridges. How can we forget bridges. There will be new bridges built. Even at places where there will be nobody crossing the river.

The abandoned school project somewhere in the corner of the kampung will suddenly revive. I do not know for a fact that there is an abandoned school project there, okay. But in each district in this country there will surely be one anyway. And so I am just presuming lah. Yes, suddenly the school project, which has been abandoned for the past 27 years will be revived.

Not only that. Every student in Hulu Langat, tidak kira bangsa, will be given a laptop each. Yes. A finkin new laptop each mind you. Just like in Kuala Terengganu, remember? (I wonder what has happened to the promise to give a computer to each student in Kuala Terengganu now that the BN lost that election).

Oh the surau and masjid. Yes yes. How could I forget that. All suraus and masjids in that area will get new lights. And new speakers and microphones. Plus a mighty 2500 watts pmps amplifier. So that they can blast all ceramahs, Quran recitals, azans and whatever and make the people more pious.

It’s the hot season now. So they will get air-conditioners too.

Oh, the old folks. And needy ones. Yes yes. There will be bags of beras nasional for them. There will be big and noisy ceremonies where old folks and needy people will be made to endure big yawns over some speeches. Then they will be lining up to receive these bags of rice, some telurs, tepung and ikan masin, courtesy of BERNAS.

And perhaps a free ticket to Akademi Fantasia final. Plus Celcom’s gift of free SMS for the people to vote for their favourite Akademi Fantasia contestant. Yeay!

Then someone will launch a minggu cinta Hulu Selangor. And Hulu Selangor will be declared Malaysia’s Centre of Eco-whatever. Hulu Selangor will get a 4 billion dollar injection every 6 months from now on. But only if the BN wins. Yes.

Meanwhile, back in Putrajaya and Bukit Aman, warnings will be issued. Nobody will be allowed to mention the “A” word. And please, no “A” mask too. Apart from “A”, I think this time other alphabets are going to be banned too. Like “PKFZ”. And yes. Lim Kit Siang and Tian Chua et al, please, this is Selangor, no Allah word please. Muslims here could be confused and regard you as Muslims, nanti susah!

Ah yes. The police will ban DAP and PAS from flying their flags or posters in the event PKR runs. Only PKR flags and posters are allowed. Get it?

And PKR ceramahs must be held in a small area. The speakers must not be louder than 91dB per metre watt. Yes yes. On certain nights, the police will raid the ceramahs and prevent the speakers from speaking. Because it has no permit. If it has permit, somehow or other, there will be 800 FRUs surrounding the people who attend the ceramah. To protect them la.

Two weeks before election day, there will be beautiful white camps sprouting all over town. These are like big camps. They will even be air-conditioned. Yes. These will be occupied by policemen. All 6000 of them, in all probability. These policemen are there to ensure public safety and a smooth operation, the Home Minister will say.

They will set up road blocks. The whole town will be jammed up. The place will be so safe even an aedes mosquito would not venture out of the longkangs it sleeps in.

Hmmm..what else arr? Oh ya ya. Perkosa. Eh Perkasa. How can I forget them. Ibrahim Ali and his Pergasak fellows will come in drove. They will bring with them a huge Keris Cendana Wan Kembang Belakang each time they go there. Sometime, they will be coming with DrM. DrM will be wearing a small tengkolok ala Hang Tuah.

There will be silat gayung show preceding their speeches. Then the verbal syphilis will take place. Melayu must this and Melayu must that. Melayu owns this and Melayu owns that. Then they will all kiss the Wan Kembang Belakang keris. Then they will distribute some money to the poor in ang-pow packets courtesy of Magnum 4 nombor ekor. Awesome stuff.

After that they will all go to the police station to lodge 45 police reports against whoever. Then they will post for photographs holding a copy of the police reports. Just to prove that they have lodged a police report. Hilarity personified.

After that some of them will go back to KL in Cayenne Turbo. Irony defined.

Erm…apa lagi ek?

Dah abis modal. Korang tambah-tambah lah.

March 30, 2010 Posted by | Nation | Leave a comment